sprout for joy

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trust in transition

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A wise teacher once told me to think of my life in terms of cycles, as gradual and ever-changing as the seasons. We may live in a world of lightning-speed, but our souls are connected to nature. Just as I can’t expect to plant a seed and immediately see a flower, I can’t expect myself to grow and change on demand, no matter how badly I may want to. It makes this whole growth process easier to accept; it makes it easier to accept myself. Living in harmony means allowing myself to weather changes with patience. It’s still easy to become frustrated when I can’t see what’s next, but I have learned to respect the cycles and seasons of my soul, and to trust my heart to tell me when it’s time to move on.

Two years ago I moved to Austin, Texas all on my own with a strong, clear purpose. I needed to reconnect with myself, to recover and heal from the trauma of leaving a marriage. I needed a fresh start. The wide open spaces and endless skies of Texas seemed like just the place, and it was. I met amazing people, ventured and explored as far as I could go, to my heart’s content. Opening up and pushing myself allowed me to change and grow more during that time than ever before. Austin will forever hold a place deep in my heart; it’s been the perfect adventure.

It seems strange to want to leave such a place, where I’ve spent the best two years of my life so far. But somehow I felt an ending approaching, an instinct kicked in telling me it was time to move on, to seek more change, new growth. So, I put the wheels in motion and began parting ways with my life in Texas. Now the dust has settled and I find myself in just about the last place I thought I would be: back home. That word… back… has been quite a struggle for me. I mean, who wants to go backward? I could have gone anywhere… and yet here I am.

I’ve been back in Georgia for about a month, and things are finally starting to make a little more sense. It’s only been in closing that cycle of my journey, my lone star state, that I’ve come to fully realize and appreciate the gifts I received, so many more than I ever expected to find. I’ve learned to value myself, to become fully and completely conscious of my feelings and take responsibility for them.  I’ve reconnected with myself; I’ve even found true love and trust for myself.

“Step into love for yourself, and the universe will reflect that love back to you.” – MB

It all begins here. I’m so deeply thankful for having had the chance to experience this fundamental truth in my life. This was the answer I was seeking, before I even knew the question. My heart knew exactly the lesson I needed to learn, and I was led to the places, met the people, and had the experiences to teach me. It has healed me, and given me a strong foundation to stand on for the rest of my life. Whenever I feel lost, I know how to come back to my heart, and have patience and trust that answers will come in the right time.

Oh the irony… to now find myself in just the right situation to test the lessons I’ve learned. The truth is I don’t really know why I came back, or what I’m doing here. I feel lost all the sudden. It’s strange to feel so insecure in such a familiar place. I feel more vulnerable now in moving back to GA than I did moving to TX all alone. I feel downright fear. It’s as if I’ve been stripped of the protective armor I earned, left defenseless. I’m back in the void, where my vision is limited to almost nothing, and my mind is waging war with unanswerable questions. Have I lost the strength I found? Does this uncertainty mean I’ve made a mistake? Will I revert back to the old me, now that I’m back in my old surroundings? Will I always be alone? My mind has been reeling for answers, searching for some sense of security. Maybe I should just go back to Austin… I have great connections there and could fit right back in… but I know that’s not right either. It would be like going back to a relationship after it’s ended, just because you can’t stand being alone. I wouldn’t really be dealing with the issue: me.

It took some time, but I finally asked myself something I knew the answer to, and instantly felt a wave of reassurance. Will everything be alright? My eyes welled up with tears at the answer, which made all the other questions fade away in significance. Of course it will. Which means it is right now, and has been all along.

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I am in a beautiful place; surrounded by giant shady trees, the ones I’ve missed so much. The view from every window and doorway is full from top to bottom with light filtered through lush greenery and bright flowers. The sounds of cheerful chirping birds, lawnmowers off in the distance, and rolling afternoon thunderstorms fill the air. I am safe, I am loved, I am home. I’ve entered a new season. All I need to do now is let it unfold naturally, and understand that temporary growing pains are necessary and to be expected. The lessons I’ve learned will never leave me, and more are on the way. I know that the wisdom of the heart is powerful, and while I may feel vulnerable, strength lies in having trust.490

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